Confessions of an Armpit
Posted by Janelle Castle on
A funny guide to sweat, body odour, bacteria and why your deodorant isn't always the villain.
Dear Human,
It's me.
Your left armpit.
Yes, I know.
This is awkward.
But after years of loyal service, I feel it's time we had a little chat.
Firstly...
I'd like to clear something up.
I'm not trying to ruin your life.
Honestly.
I'm just an armpit.
I didn't ask to spend my days squeezed between your arm and your ribs like the filling in a sweaty sandwich.
I'm doing the best I can.
Let's Talk About the Smell
Can we stop blaming me for everything?
Fresh sweat doesn't smell.
Never has.
Never will.
The real troublemakers are the billions of bacteria who live down here.
Lovely bunch.
Always hungry.
The moment you start sweating, they treat it like an all-you-can-eat buffet.
Then they burp out those unmistakable odours you've come to know... and desperately try to hide.
So if you're looking for someone to blame...
Start with Barry.
Barry's a bacterium.
Frankly, Barry's a grub.
About Those Secret Sniff Tests...
I know what you've been doing.
You think you're subtle.
You're not.
Every supermarket aisle.
Every office bathroom.
Every time you pretend you're "stretching."
Mate...
You're sniffing me.
We both know it.
And for the record...
The lady buying avocados definitely noticed.
Can We Discuss Your Wardrobe?
Look...
I appreciate that those shiny polyester gym shirts make you look athletic.
But do you know what it's like living inside one?
It's like being wrapped in cling film.
In a sauna.
During a Queensland summer.
For the love of fresh air...
Could we please spend a little more time in natural fibres?
I'd really like to breathe once in a while.
Cheers.
About the Three Layers of Deodorant...
I noticed something interesting.
Every time you think I smell...
You apply another layer of deodorant.
Then another.
Then another.
At this point, I'm less armpit...
More lasagne.
Here's a crazy idea.
Wash me.
Dry me properly.
Apply a thin layer of deodorant.
Then leave me alone.
We'll both be happier.
Stress Is Not Helping
Remember that job interview?
Or the wedding speech?
Or that first date?
You were nervous.
I was... moist.
Stress sweat is richer in proteins and fats than normal sweat.
Which, unfortunately, makes Barry and his bacterial mates happier than kids at an all-you-can-eat dessert bar.
Honestly...
I don't enjoy those days any more than you do.
And While We're Here...
Can we stop trying to stop sweat altogether?
Sweating is literally one of your body's smartest survival tricks.
It cools you down.
Helps regulate your temperature.
Keeps everything ticking along nicely.
I'm supposed to sweat.
That's my job.
The smell?
That's a completely different department.
One More Thing...
Your favourite old t-shirt...
Gary...
He's lying to you.
He smells clean on the washing line.
Then the second you put him on...
BAM!
Yesterday's bacteria throw a reunion party.
Don't blame me.
Gary's had a good innings.
So... What Do I Actually Want?
Honestly?
Not much.
A gentle wash with natural soap or body wash.
Some breathable natural fibres.
A deodorant that controls odour without trying to wage war on my entire ecosystem.
A little less polyester.
A little more fresh air.
And perhaps...
Just perhaps...
No more panic-buying seventeen different deodorants because one stressful Tuesday got a bit sweaty.
A Word About Mr. Pitts
I've tested a few deodorants over the years.
Some tried to choke me with perfume.
Others tried to stop me sweating altogether.
Neither ended well.
Mr. Pitts does things differently.
It lets me do my job.
It simply keeps Barry and his bacterial mates from throwing a party.
Which, if you ask me...
Is exactly how natural deodorant should work.
Before I Go...
I know you've spent years worrying about me.
Checking me.
Hiding me.
Keeping your elbows glued to your sides during meetings.
But here's the truth.
Everyone has armpits.
Everyone sweats.
Everyone worries they smell sometimes.
You're not weird.
You're human.
So next time you catch yourself attempting another undercover sniff test in the cereal aisle...
Relax.
Take a breath.
Trust your deodorant.
And maybe give your favourite old t-shirt a retirement party.
Yours faithfully,
Your Left Armpit
(Currently hoping for an organic cotton t-shirt and a little personal space.)
Give Your Pits the Wingman They Deserve
Your armpits have spoken.
Now it's your turn.
If they're crying out for a natural deodorant that works with your body—not against it—you're in the right place.
Stay fresh,
Janelle
✍️ About Janelle
Naturopath. Proud owner and maker of Australia's cheekiest natural deodorant. Spends an alarming amount of time thinking about armpits... so you don't have to.